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pretty on the inside

Below are the 10 most recent journal entries.


  2004.03.03  15.55

i acutally havent been anywhere near the computer in the past few days, which is kinda rare for me.

Its been kinda interesting the past few days...but only not so much.

Last Wed. I went with Kirk and Nett to pick up Lerie, one of their old friends, that ive never met, from VA. The trip there was pretty quiet and uneventuful. I was navigator the last part of the way there, and took over completely on the way back. And got us lost for an hour. meh. I felt really bad, but fuck, what could i do. We hit VA Beach and kept going East, and that didnt make any sense to me, since i thought that was as far east as you could go..so i had us turn around. Had we gone 2 more minutes in that direction, we wouldve found our interstate.

Thursday night we all played beer slut to welcome Lerie back here. And i havent played it since. Too much talking, too much throwing up. Stradell kept trying to make bets with me, and if i lost id have to show him my boobs. I never did show them ,but we did get into a wrestling contest. Anyway, while on my way to leave, Nett reminded me that i left my sweatshirt in the room, and as i went in there to get it, he followed me and shut the door. RObert comes busting through the door, hits him with it, and all hell breaks loose. Screaming back and forth. All i wanted was my fucking sweatshirt. I laughed and pushed past both of em. I have no idea why S followed me, and why Robert busted through the door. But im done drinking like that again. and i havent since.

Sunday Matt, Nett, Robert and i wanted to go to the beach. Which then turned into going to Emerald Isle to go see Sherrod, but he was at work. So we tracked him down at the golf course, spent time with him, and then met him back at his house that night. It was so nice to see him, to visit him, to see him happy cause someone from here finally came to see him. RObert and I went back up last night and spent the night up there with him and Lisa. He was finally the old Sherrod. We didnt do anything special, but i had a blast. i miss him sometimes. When hes not being an ass.

I havent seen Erron in a few days. Nor talked to him. I assume hes always with Jess. : / Not that ive been going to Kirks anyway, like I ALWAYS do. I just feel...unwelcomed....like something has changed since the other day. I went there breifly today to pick up a rented movie that i left there, and all he said was 'hey sherod visiter. What, not going to go see Sherrod tonight?' wtf. I dont fucking understand it. Lise says she notices the same thing too. I dont fucking know.

I dont even know whats up with me. As of late, ive been snapping at people left and right. I need to stop. I need to get my priorities straight.

that is all


why are you wearing that stupid bunny suit?

  2004.02.25  12.52

Assuming all did read that last post, Sunday was a great day, i had a blast, but my mood has been slipping a bit as of late....If you can call 3 days, as of late....

Monday night was another drinking night, imgaine that. It was just a weird day all in all. Nett and Bobby broke up, so ive been seeing more of her lately. She decided to go to Kirk's, and I joined. On the way we stopped by Rick's, and tagged him along with us. And oh joy of joys, when she showed up, CD was there. I hate that motherfucker more than ever, and with good reason, as bastard couldnt go 15 minutes without saying a fucking rude ass comment. i was seeing red. Red film went over my eyes. That's the only way i can describe it. I was speachless. All i could do was shoot one of my evil looks Im so well known for, and roll my eyes.

But I digress.

I called Erron.

Jess dropped out of school.

Meaning she'll be around til August. le sigh. The 10 percent of me that is not over Erron, and better fucking join the other succesful 90 percent, cause i can't go through watching them together, and being hurt again.

By the time she showed up to Kirk's i was plenty good. Too many ice cube tray races, complete with me yelling (in all good fun) about losing, me running my mouth, and stadning with my boys, Rick Erron and Rob. When Jess joined the circle, I just moved, save saying something rude that i dont need to say, and hopefully eventually wont mean.

Left to go home.

Dropped Rick off. Dont remember taking him there. (I wasnt driving, but riding.)

I remember briefly sucking his bottom lip. so, yeah, I kissed Rick.

Went back to Kirk's last night, hung out, started talking about said night, and mentioned that I didnt remember the ride to Rick's house, to which he replied, 'I do, but I'll tell you about that later. I remember.' So, even if for some reason I was imaging (why the fuck would I) that I kissed Rick, then my awnser was confirmed. And he remembered. I just hope he doesnt mention it to Erron, Only cause as much as i love erron, erron loves to mention new news and gossip. he s even said as much.

I dont mind that i kissed Rick. Ive always been known as kissy face. But still. I dont know. I dont know what the fuck is going on.

I need to stop staying here. Need to get out of here. Need my own place.

Bobby stopped by today to see Nett. Talked with me as well. smoked all my ciggarettes with him. He then came back over, 20 minutes after he left, to bring me a pack. *shrug* At least i can have half decent conversations with my ex boyfriend. A year and half of loving someone, and we can now have a halfway decent conversation. whatever.

On to try to get my life straight.

wish me luck.

Mood: thoughtful

why are you wearing that stupid bunny suit?

  2004.02.21  11.23

I dont understand how Erron can vent and complain in his jousrnal and say that we never do anything and he's always so bored, and things are getting worse for him, and how 'I wish i could say things are going better, but alas I'd be a bad liar". whatever. Then stop hanging out if your just going to bitch about whatever we do, later on. *screams* Ecspecially when we ask you if you had a good night, and your always like 'hell yeah'. bah!

tangent over.

Thursday night i was anilelated. No other word for it. At all. Beer and Tequlia. Im done drinking the tekillya. fuck some of that. Plaed too much beer slut, took about 3 to 4 shots. All I know is i ended up straddling Erron and kissing him, with Robert sitting right next to me. fucking Christ. I dont even know what got into me. i fell off erron's lap. Around 11 (we started at 7:30pm), Robert said to everyone 'if you want a ride, Im going now'. He was pissed. I was wasted and could still tell. We dropped Rick off, came back and got Erron. I dont remember dropping either of them off, all I remember is telling Rob to pull over so i could throw up. It was bad. I tried to get out of the car at my house, and he started screaming at me, telling me he wanted to talk, how pissed and upset he was. According to him, the only 2 emotions he could feel were upset and utter pure hatred. wow. I just kept begging him to leave me to sleep in the driveway.

Ive got to stop drinking like this. For real. I dont know. Its not only get old, but bad things are starting to happen. I hurt someone that night, emotionally, and i cant remember some things. I never want that to ever happen again. never never ever ever.

I apologized to everyone. Erron said I didnt need to apologize for kissing him. heh. le sigh. RObert and i worked things out pretty much.

I just want things to get better, and life to get on track. please please please oh please.

Mood: anxious

1 stupid human suits " why are you wearing that stupid bunny suit?

  2004.02.05  15.04

its been awhile.

Im leaving for Florida tomorrow at 545pm. My grandma isnt doing well. At all. Apparently, as my dad took off from Alaska, ASAP, and he just dropped over 1000 bucks to fly my brother and I down. It hasnt quite hit me yet, though i did cry on the phone when i talked to my mom about it yesterday. I just dont know how I'm going to go down there, and talk to her, and when i start to cry, it's cause she's about to die, and she knows this. Ive never had to have a farewell conversation with someone who knows they're about to die. Ive had plenty of people in my life die, but none of them knew it. car crashes and whatnot. I love my grandma more than anything. She's the only one on my dad's side that never brought up the fact that my dad adopted me when i was 3, after he and my mom got married...everyone else talks about it, cept Grandma. She didnt care, i was still her granddaughter.

I guess that's it for now. Ill update when i get back.

Mood: numb

2 stupid human suitss " why are you wearing that stupid bunny suit?

  2004.01.23  01.33

its been a few days, which is usually rare for me.

to start with the drama involving the last entry..the next day i went off on a horrible, pissed off tangent in my public journal, knowing full well that E would read it. it was harsh, to say the least. The next day he imed me, to see if i was still pissed, and it was a very short and civil conversation. the night didnt go any better, and i pretty much ignored him, came off as a bitch, and pissed him off through a miscommunication of when i was leaving that night, i wanted to give him a hug, like always, but didnt as i thought he didnt want one, and he thought i was trying to push past him. long story short, K got drunk that night, told him everything that i couldnt tell him, and he had his pissy journal entry...the next day, yesterday, i broke down and called him, we discussed it very briefly, and things got a bit better. tonight was a little awkward, but what can you do. i can only hope we can become close friends again, but only time will tell. now instead of 'call me tomorrow' its 'call me if you like'. meh. fuck it, itll work out. or i hope so.

on another subject, S moved out to the island...and K moved into his old place. its weird to be over there, and have it not be S' place anymore. we've been moving yesterday and today, and its starting to come together. ive been dubbed K's special helper/design consultant, which all in all pretty much means i tell him wear he should hang all his pictures, and arrange his furniture..all we got up today was some banners, a few pics, the chainmail star e made him, and all the blacklights, and blacklight responsive bottles. slowly but surely.....itll be a project for at least another week. i just cant wait til the party. heh.

when e and i were on good terms, we discussed throwing a pirate themed party. word. i want to work on that. maybe sometime next month....mmmmhmmm. :)

bonne nuit mes amies

all good things

josh..im sorry about your accident...im glad youre okay, and i hope things work out.

Mood: blank

why are you wearing that stupid bunny suit?

  2004.01.18  14.14
28 days 6 hours 42 minutes 12 seconds..

here s to some donnie darko goodness...

night before last i had the oddest dream. from which i was rudely awoken.

I was in a white van, like a work van, no seats in the back, with E sitting on the floor across from me, and i believe K was driving. he started apologizing for something, and i think he was either teary eyed, or he was crying just a little bit, then he started telling me something, and i couldnt hear him, due to people talking and traffic noise. just all these voices and noise to drown out his words. i kept repeating 'erron, i cant hear you, i cant hear you.' and he just kept talking. about a minute later, it clicked that i couldnt hear him, and he started to repeat his words, and at the moment, the phone rang, and i woke up. i was pissed. thats an understatment there.

i havent a clue what it was supposed to mean, and k was trying to help me figure it out, and people kept coming in the room, and interrupting, to which he laughed, and said 'that there is irony'. cant hear e in my dream, cant hear k talk to me.

wating on robert to get here so i can go get my haircut. grr. i called over there, his mom wasnt that happy, or according to him she made some sort of face, and his cousin and friend were in the room and all i could hear from them was 'i love you...oooh, robs in love' and 'how old is she'..blah blah blah. i got to put a stop to that shit. a stop to everything.

fuck some valentines day which is right around the corner. i hate it. last year i got drunk at dinner with bobby, then went and blew a bunch of money shopping. ha. this year, im going to buy some beer, and get fucking wasted. fuck some flying cupid bullshit. haha.

my brother is back in town. word. maybe i can actually hang out with him today. that d be nice, havent seen him since christmas.

not too too much more going on. got some money issue im going to be stressing about tomorrow, but im hoping i can get it taken care of. word. we shall see about that. have to go to my parents house tonight, hopefully, and have a talk with them. so much on my plate right now, and im not even trying to stress it. ive had people tell me they admire me, cause i never stress the things that are to come in the future, i just deal with today. thing is i do stress them in my own way, and im sure things would be better for me if i did take the future in more consideration. ah fuck it. too late now.

i guess thats it for now. all good things to you all.

* i think its kinda funny
and i think its kinda sad
but the dreams in which im dying, are the best ive ever had*

Mood: thoughtful

why are you wearing that stupid bunny suit?

  2004.01.15  12.40
sorry guys, its big, i cant get it to resize, but i put it behind a cut

its a bad bad pic of both of us, but thats me and E. ive got much better, ill post later. i never ever ever open my eyes for pics

Read more...Collapse )


2 stupid human suitss " why are you wearing that stupid bunny suit?

  2004.01.14  14.07

oh the things i get myself into. whew.

I just need to talk to Robert, explain the situation, tell him i accept the fact if he wants to hate me, and move on from there. its almost like hes an example..as in i need to learn to handle things in ever aspect of my life. i just need to be blunt, honest, and take charge of things. wish me luck

Got drunk last night over at S' house. shotgunned 2 beers..never done that before..and apparently ran my mouth. i called E a slut. oh wow. he informed me of this, this morning via phone. ha. but its all good.

I found my nipple ring yesterday, but couldnt get it in. E volunteered to shove it in there for me. whew. its gonna hurt, but oh well. i want it back. its not like he hasnt seen my tits before. heh

supposed to be chopping the hair off today. got some really good pics of me and S, with my short hair, as it is now, so i can capture it. heh. it looks rockin with my beret. ah well, its all gone soon. constant change doesnt suit me, nor can i live without it. le fucking sigh

i guess thats it for now, just some random bullshit.

all good things

Mood: calm

5 stupid human suitss " why are you wearing that stupid bunny suit?

  2004.01.09  14.55
this makes me laugh. sometimes horoscopes seem to be right on the same subject as my thoughts

my horoscope for today:

Don't try and force your hand in a certain situation, especially given the planetary atmosphere. The relationship that you are trying to make work would actually work a lot better if you could just stop fretting and worrying quite so much. Sometimes too much involvement actually complicates things unnecessarily. You would be far better off to just allow things to develop naturally.

Mood: amused

why are you wearing that stupid bunny suit?

  2004.01.09  12.43

its snowing! and it looks as if its going to stick! oh sweetness! talking to K online at the moment, telling him that we need alcohol, a hill, and a cardboard box (we dont own any sleds due to the fact that it hardly ever snows).

night before last, we partied over at S's. learned a new drinking game, thanks to Jeff. its called 'electrcity'. im not going into detail, but it rocks, but it kicks your ass too. we went through a case in 2 rounds. good times. Robert offered me a ride home, but i ended up going to his place to watch a movie, and passed out. nothing happened, but everyone knows that he likes me, so they make it this big deal when i catch a ride home. wtf. i like hanging out with R when hes not being a moron, as in trying to show off, since hes a few years younger than most of our group. hell, im the baby of the group, when J goes back to school. anyway, i digress.

I awaken for some strange reason at 8am yesterday morning, wake up robert and tell him to take me home, even though its so early. im glad he did. when i get to the house, K's car is in the driveway. Rob drops me off, laughs and tells me to have fun explaining that one. so i walk inside, and it was nett. she had borrowed his car to come get me, and kidnap me for breakfast at IHOP. she just looks at me, says she hasnt mentioned it to anyone, change my shirt, fix my eyeliner, and were off. hahaha. we kidnap E, which is always a site to see him first thing in the morning. as soon as we get to IHOP, E and i both grab coffee mugs and the pots, and dont give em up. it was like our drug. good times. little slice of public oh so very early in the morning. doesnt help we have some rude clothes on : ie: im wearing E's 'christ on parade' jacket, and he has on some shirt that says 'if i wanted to play follow the leader, id be a christian'. oh wow, im sure we were warmly recieved.

why am i going on and on about shit that doesnt matter. i guess cause i dont really talk to any of my friends about shit like that, while i trust them fully, were all connected, and so i just choose not to say anything. so this is why i use my journal i suppose.

wonder what tonight will hold in store. Like i mentioned, alcohol, snow, and boxes are what i want to get into.

life is great, other than constant disappoinment in myself

Mood: indescribable

why are you wearing that stupid bunny suit?